Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
