she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
