i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
