i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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