erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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