Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
