I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
