fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
