I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
