I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
