I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
