It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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