I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i love accidental penises.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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