I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
