I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
