There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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