no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
