how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
