Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
