just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
