So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
