if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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