he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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