is your mom at the bar?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
