you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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