he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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