The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My vagina just clenched in fear
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Someone signed my nipple.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
