so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
