i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
