she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we made out on top of his cat.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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