Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
