I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
