They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
