We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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