totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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