We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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