Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
