my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
