i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
