Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
