made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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