im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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