Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
