I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
