I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
