He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
