no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we made out on top of his cat.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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