Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
