I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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