just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
