Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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