Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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